Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
