My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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