I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
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The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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