i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
This baby is an asshole
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
