hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
