i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
