Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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