make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
