my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
