I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
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You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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