8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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