The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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