I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
