I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize