My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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