I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
