Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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