Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
