Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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