Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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