I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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