I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
