I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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