I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
