My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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