dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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