4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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