In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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