Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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