I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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