he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
