My cat gives me a boner
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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How does one acquire holy water?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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