I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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