shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
