well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
