if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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