There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
