Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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