ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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