I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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