the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement