so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.