i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
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I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
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u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian