Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?