Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling