She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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