I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.