I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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