LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
