dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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