some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
