I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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