if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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