Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
