you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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