I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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