OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
