I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
