I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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