It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
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not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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