I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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