Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
