If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
